We’re all absolutely thrilled that the zombie apocalypse is finally over and those carnivorous walking bags of putrescence are finally in hell where they belong. So for now, the time has come to rebuild – but a new coat of paint and an Afghan throw on the couch just aren’t going to cut it.
We’ve all had to get wine out of our carpets, sure, only now, we are dealing with caked-in brains and viscera, cooked in the Georgian summer heat, splattered on the walls, furniture… everywhere! Such is the law of the land when you’re dealing with zombies. Because of this mess, it’s officially time to up our cleaning arsenal, as we throw out the Formula 409 and replace it with a blowtorch.
Not really. Let’s be positive here. We can do this.
With that in mind, here are some extremely useful tips to getting your house back to a livable condition, after the zombie apocalypse has finally come to an end.
Cleaning Up the House After the Zombie Apocalypse
Okay – the blowtorch idea is actually applicable in this scenario. What you want to do to begin, is to take everything out of your house and burn it. Carpet, furniture, family pictures, clothes – any and everything tainted by residual blood-splatter from blasting the zombie hoards.
I think we can safely assume that’s going to be everything you own (or once owned). Plus, since the power-grid and infrastructure is still not up and running, you’ll be able to provide yourself with a little heat on those chilly nights and maybe cook some nice rat flambé or frog fricassee for you and the remaining members of your family.
Let the Looting Begin
For this, you’re going to need a weapon. According to the news, all the Walmarts and Targets have been hollowed out, so the only real option you have to replace your furnishings is to steal it from other people.
You could always try the barter-system, but come on. That’s just not how things are done anymore.
The problem is that you need to find clean furniture and such, which means you’ll need to infiltrate one of the many walled communities in and around the Atlanta area (Alexandria, Woodbury, The Sanctuary) that managed to keep the “walker” contact to a minimum. In order to accomplish this, be sure and bring plenty of firepower and a big truck.
Once you’ve got your cache of furniture and household items gathered up, it’s time to begin the home-restoration process in earnest. Remember: planning is everything.
Let’s start simple. You’re going to need to patch the bullet holes in the walls first, so while you’ve got the Spackle out, you might as well pull those boards off the windows, finally letting in a little natural light, and cover all the nail holes as well.
EXPERT TIP: Spackle can actually mask the scent of coagulated blood!
Clever Solutions to Post-Apocalyptic Problems
Got holes in the floor? For smaller shotgun- or handgun-sized bullet holes, you can actually use corks (from all the wine you’ve consumed trying to escape reality) or finger bones (cleaned and bleached), which can be jammed into the offending areas and then once again, covered with Spackle.
Last, sew a bunch of old clothes together to make a delightful patchwork throw rug to cover the unsightly blemishes on the floor.
Spackle! Spackle Everything!
Let’s not kid ourselves here: Spackle is the modern day duct tape. If you can’t hack it… spack it. That’s not actually a saying – but it should be.
Holes in the cabinets? Spackle it! Broken shelves? Spackle it! Shattered windows? Spackle it! Yes! Even windows!
Remember… all those broken windows leave you exposed to the elements, and until our government gets their business together, we’re gonna have to make due. Just place a piece of wood on the outside of the window, Spackle over it, let it dry, and then remove the piece of wood. Instant protection from prying eyes and hungry vultures.
Out With The Grout
Replacing tile in the bathroom and kitchen is no easy task. To accomplish this, you have two options: dig it all out by hand, or use a grout-removal attachment on your rotary tool. But you don’t have any way to power your rotary tool, so it looks like you’re stuck doing it by hand.
This means: by the end of the process, your forearms will look like Popeye’s — sans anchor tattoos. So really, the options are: 1. ruin your arms or 2. spackle over the whole thing and call it a day. You know my choice. HINT: it rhymes with “schmackle.”
Remedying Squeaky Doors
There’s nothing more annoying than a squeaky door, except maybe the entirety of humanity spontaneously turning into blood-thirsty, undead maniac zombies. Maybe that’s a little more annoying.
Squeaky doors, however, are just awful, and because the power has been off, the weather has had a chance to creep in and the wood frames and the doors themselves have swelled. Here’s a little trick and a fun fact: peanut butter was originally made as an industrial lubricant… but then one day, someone ate some. And they decided it was delicious; the rest is history, as they say.
Why not go back to our roots and give peanut butter the chance to prove itself once again. When you’re caught in a pinch without any WD-40 on hand, just grab a jar of creamy store-bought peanut butter (not chunky) and slather that stuff on the hinges. Like magic, the squeak will be gone.
One thing I do know: DO NOT EAT SPACKLE! It’s great for minor household repairs caused by the zombie apocalypse, but it’s certainly not good for eating.